Harry Potter and the Endless World of Cliches
by Operatic
Summary: A suiting end to Harry Potter. WARNING: Complete sillines!
1. The Demise of Dudley

Harry Potter 7: Harry Potter and the Endless World of Clichés

Disclaimer: This is just a little story I've decided to write. Obviously, for this to works, absolutely nothing important would have happened in book 6...well, I only own the character Dongo, but you'll hear more about him later. Anyway, I hope you like it! Please R+R!

Harry Potter awoke at 24 Privet Drive. His Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were yelling at him to get up. That made him sad.

"Get up you worthless piece of crap!" Uncle Vernon yelled.

"And by the way, we hate you." said Aunt Petunia.

But Harry's birthday was right around the corner, and he knew his friends would be sending him loads of presents that supposedly have some magical importance, but you rarely ever see him use. That made Harry happy again.

When he went downstairs. he saw that his morbidly obese cousin Dudley had eaten all of the Fruity-O's, Harry's favourite cereal. Dudley grinned a mean smile as he chewed. Harry poured himself a bowl of Gross Mushy Oat Bran for Old People, the only cereal left.

"So, cousin. I suppose you're going to that weird school for "special" people again this year. With that headmaster who's addicted to pot." Dudley grinned evilly. Harry's eyes widened. He stood straight up, almost knocking over his bowl of Gross Mushy Oat Bran for Old People.

"NEVER TALK ABOUT PROFFESER DUMBLEDORE LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME!" He cried out. He reached for his wand and cast a spell on Dudley so that he shrunk down to a piece of Harry's Gross Mushy Oat Bran for Old People. Harry picked up the shrunken fatso and dunked it in his Fruity-O's a couple of time, his eyes ablaze.

"Do you like that, Diddykins?" he asked, clearly enjoying himself. Aunt Petunia came rushing into the room, screaming her head off.

"PUMPYKINS!" she cried, hands on her cheeks. She slapped Harry's face and tried to take Dudley from him, but he was lost among the Fruity-O's. Petunia screamed out in horror.

"DUUUUDLYYYYY!" she screamed, hugging the cold cereal bowl. Harry smiled grimly. The fat had returned to it's source. How ironic.

"You MURDERER!" Petunia screamed. " How DARE you!"

"What's all this commotion," Vernon asked, waddling into the room. He gasped at the sight of Petunia screaming.

"Petunia, where's Dudley?" his eyes were wide. He began to scream "OH MY GOD! HE FINNALY DID IT! HE OVER PACKED! ONE LAST BOWL OF CEREAL AND KABOOM! HIS STOMACH EXPLODES!" Vernon sank to the ground, rocking in anger and misery. "And on the expensive cereal too…" He stared at the bowl of cereal. He was blinded with rage.

"YOU WILL PAY!" He screamed. He ate every last bit of the remaining cereal. Petunia stared at him in fury.

"YOU RETARDED APE! OUR SON WAS BIG BONED! AND THIS FAT SACK OF DOGGY DOO ATE HIM!"

"WHAAAAT? HOW DARE YOU!" Vernon cried, punching Harry's head.

"Ow, ow! Stop! You'll give me a concussion!"

"YOU ATE MY SON!"

"And risk gaining the fat? Not likely. I don't even know where Dudley went. Maybe YOU ate him." Harry smiled evilly, gesturing towards the cereal. Vernon's eyes grew wider. His eyes made their way to the empty cereal bowl, then to Harry's wand, then to Petunia.

"YOU TURNED MY SON INTO CEREAL?" Vernon cried

"You could say he was magically delicious." Harry said, holding his wand to prevent any accidents, e.g.: Vernon snapping the it. Vernon held his stomach and rushed to the bathroom. Harry couldn't help but smirk. Petunia ran after him, screaming his name.

"VERNON! VERNON! I WANT A DIVORCE, YOU GREAT HAIRY APE!"

Harry smiled as he watched his aunt punch his uncle. In his mind, he could hear his lord shouting approval.

_Good work, Harry Potter!_

"Thank you, my Lord!"

_And I hope that one day soon you will have the privilege of meeting me._

"Oh, yes my lord! That would be wonderful!"

And Harry let out a long menacing laugh.

"SHUT UP! YOU KILLED MY SON! I'LL KILL YOU!" Petunia screeched.

"Uh oh. That's definitely no good." Harry said. He ran outside,

"Ballloonius magiciscollio!" He cried. A giant balloon came from the end of his wand. He began to fly away.

"Oh my lord, this is a tough job!"

_Well I never said being my minion and mind slave was a garden of roses. It's mostly killing people._

"That is true."

_WATCH WHERE YOUR GOING, YOU DOPE!_

Without seeing it, Harry crashed into a tree.

Harry woke up, after what was probably hours later. He was in Hogwarts hospital! He smiled peacefully.

"Harry!" a familiar voice said happily.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Harry cried. " To think, my headmaster making a special trip to the hospital, just to see ME!"

"Yes, Harry, it's me. And lets not forget this little one." The bearded wonder said, pointing at a little house elf looking bashful.

"DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF! I haven't seen you since book 5!"

"Dobby took a vacation, master Harry Potter. Went to Hawaii. Caught some rays. But Dobby is back now, to serve only you, Harry Potter!"

"Well in that case, would you mind massaging my feet?"

"Dobby JUST gets back from Hawaii and is put to work already! Geez! Dobby does have feelings, you know."

"Harry," Dumbledore said, ignoring the house elf muttering cusses under his breath. "I think it is your duty as a student to know what I wouldn't tell the students: Harry, Hogwarts is in grave danger. Again."

Oh, what will happen? I know this will get bad reviews, people saying it was too silly, but that was what it was supposed to be: completely random silliness! So I hope you laughed a few times, I had fun writing this. I'm sorry it's so short, but it's just the first chapter. Please remember to review! All flames will be ignored.


	2. A Horrible Plot

**Harry Potter And The Endless World of Cliches**

**Chapter 2**

**I do not own Harry Potter. Once again, complete silliness. Pass over this if you require more…sophisticated reading.**

"Grave danger? What could be worse than Voldemort killing Sirius?" Harry cried. Dobby cowered.

"Do not say his name, Master Harry Potter! Say You-know-who instead!"

"Oh shut up, you poopy coloured runt." Dumbledore growled, kicking him. "I'll tell you Harry, you see-"  
"It's time for your sponge bath!" a hot nurse said as she entered the room.

"I'll tell you later, Harry. I have a …previous engagement!" Dumbledore said, licking his lips. He scurried out of the room behind the nurse.

"Do you know anything about this, Dobby?" Harry asked. But the poopy coloured runt was no where to be found.

"Dobby?"

"Harry!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

"Hermione!"

"Harry!"

"Ron!"

"Hermione!"

"Ron!"

"Ron!"

"Harry!"

"Ron!"

"Harry!"

"Hermione!"

The room fell silent.

"Harry!"  
"I didn't get any letters from you," Harry said sadly. "But I bet Dobby the house elf stole them like he has in previous years, right?"

"Wha?" Ron asked. "Letters? What are you-" Hermione nudged him. "Oooh…Um, Harry, truth be told…we sort of…forgot. Sorry." Ron said. Harry began to cry. Suddenly, Neville appeared in the doorway, red faced, hair askew.

"Harry! Hagrid's missing!" he cried.

"Are you sure? Maybe he's fell asleep on the can again." Harry suggested, shrugging his shoulders.

"That's the first place we looked! The very fact that we could come out alive proved that he was more than ten yards away!" Neville cried. Hermione began to sob.

"Hagrid! Nooo! He was my only friend!" Harry and Ron stared at her strangely.

"Well how do you think I feel? Her was my BOYFRIEND!" Harry sobbed. Every one stared at him, eyes wide. "Oh, like you didn't feel the chemistry!"

It was then that Professor Dumbledore came back, a big grin on his face.

"Now Harry, where were we?" he asked, his robe open. Hermione screamed. Harry averted his eyes. Neville had magically disappeared long ago. But Ron couldn't tear his eyes away.

"Oh. Pardon me, kids. Don't say anything about this, we don't need a Michael Jackson trial attracting eyes to the wizarding world. Harry?"

* * *

"Harry, there's a horrible plot underway."

"WHAT?" Harry cried, thoroughly shocked. Who would have thought that after seven years, a horrible plot would come underway! Why, they hadn't had a horrible plot since Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! "What type of horrible plot, Professor Dumbledore? Wait, let me guess…is one of our teachers a werewolf?"

"God your dumb! We already did that one! No, this is worse. You see, Harry, there is a horrible rumor going around that in this book, I am going to die! Oh, and also Hermione and Ron go nuts and kill you."

"What! No! Hermione and Ron are my two best friends! They would never do such a thing!"

"There's more, Harry. The author of this has made the shocking announcement that more of us are going to die. A major character will be killed off, Harry, and we are powerless to stop it!"

"NO!" Harry cried. "First Cedric, then Sirius, now Hagrid! Does the pen have no mercy?"

"Hagrid? What are you talking about? Hagrid got sent to Azkaban for holding up a Burger King. He'll be out in a month. But Harry, you also must know this:" he took a deep breath. "Harry, there's a new kid at the school. Another celebrity. Harry, I hate to say it, but…your position as being the most special is being greatly threatened."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Harry took a breath. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and then fainted from lack of oxygen.

**Oooh! Who is this mystery child?**


End file.
